A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook awhile back, and it got me thinking that as gay men we need to start taking our relationships more seriously.
However, I’m in no way stating this is the end all be all of gay relationships as that is too generic and all encompassing statement.
Each relationship is different and unique, and one simple list of supposed ‘rules’ could never encompass every relationship. And some relationships work just fine the way the are, but wouldn’t work for another couple because of the individual needs of those involved.
We all want to have a great relationship regardless of our orientation but some of us just don’t know how to keep one. Or is that just a myth about gay relationships?
According to the article, here are the common ‘mistakes’ gay men supposedly make in their relationships (click the link above to get the original author’s take on these items.. below are my own).
Personally looking at it from a single person’s point of view, I do find it somewhat greedy of these partnered guys to always be out on the prowl for some fun.. It makes it harder (I find) to find other singles who’d potentially want to date or more if there’s an attraction when it seems 2 out of 3 profiles online are partnered guys.
It truly saddens me that this is so prevalent in our community. Whatever happened to being happy with the person you’re with? Or is the adage about gay men constantly being on the lookout for someone better, cuter, sexier, better in bed, etc true? I know there are gay couples out there who are truly monogamous, but am I the only one who thinks that’s more of a minority than it should be?
I understand that open relationships do work for some couples depending on whatever their circumstances are or what ground rules they’ve put in place for each other. However by being so open it can open your relationship to certain problems like falling in love with someone else, bringing home an STI, or perhaps even a breakdown of the relationship itself. I’m in no way being judgmental of anyone in a happy (?) open relationship, this is just my take on it.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, this is always a killer. I know, as I’ve been told several times that I come across too needy when I find a guy I like even just a little bit. Even when I try extra hard to keep myself in control sometimes..
Of course for me I believe it’s because I’ve never been in an actual relationship so I subconsciously try to move things towards what I want instead of just enjoying things for what they are. I try to, but fail miserably. LOL
I suppose this is all about being independent in your relationship and ensuring you maintain your own voice without losing yourself in the relationship. I can imagine it could be quite easy to become completely submissive to another’s ideas of how things are going to go without making your own ideas known. It’s all about maintaining your own life and identity without completely submersing yourself in the relationship, regardless of how far along it is.
I honestly thought it was a healthy thing to have constructive arguments in a relationship? I would think that as long as you can each make your point about something while always being willing to actually listen to the other person’s point of view, that this would be a good thing in a relationship, as no two people will always agree 100% about everything in their relationship.
Of course saying that, I think this is more about not sweating the small stuff and regularly having a big blown up shouting match over something that truly doesn’t matter. And definitely don’t say things you’ll regret later on, as this will just make things worse in the long run. Words hurt and can sometimes cut deeper than actions.
Being with someone for comfort (money, favours, apartment, etc)
Ahhh.. the good old ‘gold-digger’ and ‘sugar-daddy’ scenario. I know it still happens in this day and age, but is it really that big a deal in breaking up gay relationships?
I would think this is more about ensuring you’re both equals in the relationship, both personally and financially. Sure, one person may earn more money than the other, but as long as it’s not held over the other’s head or used as a lever to gain their own way, it shouldn’t be that big a factor in a relationship. Be with each other because you love each other, not because of some need for financial stability.
Going to the club together
I can see why the original author put this on the list, as going out together could potentially lead one or both guys to temptation. But is there really anything wrong with wanting a night out clubbing once in awhile with your partner and possibly some friends?
Gay bars and clubs have become a massive part of how we socialise as gay men, though I do agree it’s not a great place for some quality time with your partner. For that, do something special for just the two of you obviously.
Of course it all depends on your relationship and what sort of trust level there is between you. If you’ve got a partner who’s known for his roving eyes (and hands and other parts…), then of course a night at the clubs wouldn’t be a good idea as you’d constantly be wondering who’s he’s checking out.. or chatting up while you’re at the bar or in the toilet.
Putting your relationship status on Facebook
Really? Is this really such a massive problem in relationships, gay or otherwise? I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with letting your friends know you’re in a relationship (though if they’re truly your friends, they shouldn’t need Facebook to find this information out).
I can understand how this could be potentially harming to a relationship when one is pushing the other to change their Facebook status, but that’s more down to the other person potentially not being ready to commit or display that commitment. Some guys are just more private with those sort of things, and shouldn’t feel pressure to do otherwise.
Not allowing your boyfriend to go out with friends
Now this I definitely agree with 100%. There’s nothing worse than a possessive boyfriend who wants you to spend all your free time with them. Each person in the relationship should be able to maintain their own lives, as well as a life with each other. You don’t have to be joined at the hip all the time, and just like with several of the above areas, it’s all about mutual trust.
Let’s be honest, no matter how good your relationship is, sometimes you just want some time with your mates without your partner. And that’s healthy I think. Too often people get into a new relationship and tend to drop all their old mates or stop keeping in touch. Even when you’re in a relationship you still need your friends to be there for you, and vice versa. Friends are friends, regardless of your relationship status