Changing the Stigma of Being Single and Alone

single-taken-who-cares-im-awesome-quote-1
Standard

We’ve all been there.  Single, alone and wishing we had someone special in our lives.  And for some of us, this wanting of the ‘perfect partner’ can sometimes get in the way of living our actual lives.

Sometimes it can get to the point where we can’t see what’s actually around us that makes our lives amazing to begin with.

And of course, the stigma of being ‘alone’ can be a difficult one to get past.  Instead of relishing the freedom of our lives, we wallow in self-pity that nobody will ever love us or that we’ll die alone.

Perhaps that self-pity is what is actually stopping us from enjoying life on a daily basis, and even preventing us from meeting that special person.  And perhaps that self-pity is what’s making our friends not want to be around us at times.

no boyfriend no problemSadly in our society, we view people who aren’t in relationships as somehow inferior or damaged in some way, when in fact it’s probably the opposite.  Those who are happy being single tend to have more fulfilling and rewarding lives than those who may be in an unhappy relationship.

Instead, we need to revel in our singledom and enjoy each day as it comes, so let’s flip our perceptions of what it’s like to be single.

Coming home to an empty flat/bed

Yes, as nice as it would be to have someone at home waiting for you, instead you need to view your home as your sanctuary.  Use it as a place to recharge and pamper yourself.  cater to your own needs and wants.

Cook yourself a nice meal instead of something quick in the microwave.  Put on some soothing music while you relax in a nice bubble bath.  Make yourself your favourite drink and curl up on the sofa to read your favourite book.  Enjoy your time home alone to the fullest.

Nobody to comfort you after a ‘bad day’

Let’s be honest, we all have bad days from time to time.  And although it be nice to have someone at home to rehash what went wrong, you just don’t have that luxury when you’re single.

Instead use the time to go over what happened and look for the positives in the situation, your strengths and what you can do to improve.  And plan ahead for the next time something similar happens.  Build up the skills you use to deal with these ‘bad days’ so the next time it won’t affect you deeply.

A schedule for one

Since when is this a bad thing?  It’s your schedule, which means only you get to decide what you’ll do and when.  You’re in control and there’s no need to plan your life around a partner’s schedule.  There’s no compromising your own freedom.  Plan your schedule around your own goals, dreams and desires.

single_and_happy-166847You’ve got to pay all the bills yourself

It would certainly be nice to have a second income around to help pay the bills and all the day to day expenses that pop up.  But that also means you’re held accountable to another person for any sudden expenditures you make.

Instead look at it as you’re in control of your wallet and only you get to decide what you spend your money on and when.  There’s nobody there to criticise your purchases or to take you to task when they’re balancing the cheque book (does anyone still do that? lol).  Enjoy the financial control and freedom this allows you.

You’ve got to do all the chores yourself

Life can get busy as we all have loads of things piling up on our daily ‘to-do’ lists.  And although it be great if someone could help you with these tasks, instead look at it as only you will know if you haven’t completed something on the list.  You get to decide when you do things

You feel awkward at social events or around couples

happy-single-quotes-7This is more about how sometimes partnered people will give you that look of pity when they find out you’re single, and how you have to answer the question ‘why are you single?’  It can become frustrating and annoying, but it’s not something that should prevent you from going out and socialising.

Instead it gives you an opportunity to recount tales of your singledom (depending on the company, be careful what intimate details you give hehe), and show them how amazing your life is.

Show them how you’re accomplishing life on your own, how much stronger it makes you, how independent you are.

There’s nobody checking up on you when you’re running late

How is this a bad thing?  This means you can come and go when you feel like it, without the feeling that ‘nobody cares’.  Just like having the freedom to make your own schedule, this means you can do what you want, when you want it.  You don’t owe your time to anyone but yourself.

There’s nobody to focus focus your love and adoration upon

Now that’s just bullshit.  There’s always one person who needs your love and adoration – YOU.  You are the one person in the world who will always be there for you, so show yourself some appreciation and love.

This obviously doesn’t take anything away from dear friends or family members, as they’re people you can show affection for as well.  And well you should.  But ultimately, you’ve got to shower yourself with love first before others, otherwise there won’t be anything left for yourself.

You have nobody to be spontaneous with

Now that’s just not true.  In fact, it’s the absolute opposite!!  By yourself, you’re always able to be spontaneous and do things off the cuff.  You’re in control of your life, so if you suddenly get the idea to hop on a train to the coast for the day, who’s to stop you?  Cater to your own impulsiveness.

happy-man1

Working Towards a More Positive Attitude

optimism2
Standard

One of the good things about having this blog and some of the topics I’ve written about over the years, is it has allowed me to become a bit more self-aware of my moods and attitudes towards life.

And what I’ve realised is that perhaps I’m that negative person everyone warns against.  The person who never has anything positive to say, who is always focusing on the bad things that are going on in life.  That could a gross overstatement, but if I can sense it in myself, I’m sure others can as well.

I don’t think I’ve always been like this.  I remember years ago being somewhat happy-go-lucky, optimistic, and even downright cheery at times.  Or at least it seemed like I was at the time.

But somehow I’ve become this pessimistic, sour, miserable sod who can only think of what isn’t in his life, instead of what actually is.

So maybe it’s time to try and focus on the good things going on, and look towards the light instead of sulking in the gloomy darkness.  It’s not something I can change overnight, but it definitely doesn’t hurt to give it a try…

Happiness is a Choice

We’ve all heard it.  We need to stop focusing on the bad stuff, and to choose to be happy and positive.  As if that was the easiest thing in the world, when it would feel at times that everything around us was conspiring to hold us down or make life so hard to life.

What we all need to realise and work on is not immediately looking for the blame when things go bad, but instead to look at the positives in the situation.  To look for the good and stop pointing fingers.  We need to realise we are in control of our reactions or attitude, and nobody else can change that.

Get Rid of the Negativity

bad-friends-pic-3A true friend will always be looking to help you to live a positive, happy life, and will be encouraging you to go for your dreams.  A true friend would be right beside you as you move down the road of life towards your happiness, and vice versa as well.

It’s not an easy thing to have to cut negative people and behaviours out of your life, and sometimes it’s even harder to determine who is actually encouraging and who is actually pushing you towards their own negative views on life.  But as hard as it is, you really have to do it in order to move forward with YOUR life.

Look For the Positive

Every situation you find yourself in can be both a positive or negative influence on your life or attitude, and it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to focus on.  It’s not always easy to truly see the positives, but if you look hard enough, it will be there.

The easy route is, once you’ve identified something negative, is to focus on that negativity and stop looking for the positives of the situation or the person you’re talking to.  When in a room full of negativity, it’s so much easier to just be caught up in their bad attitudes, and before you know it you’re acting just as negative as they are.

Instead, look for what’s good about the things happening around you.  For example, instead of getting sucked into your co-worker’s complaints about how shit work is, think about how great it is you have a job that allows you to live your life and put food on your table.

Reinforce Your Own Positivity

its a lovely lifeLike anything in life, you have to practice and practice before habits and attitudes will truly change for the better.  You have to train yourself to look for the positives, and then continue to reinforce that behaviour.

And this is especially true when looking at yourself and your life in general.  Remind yourself what is good in your life, what you like about yourself, how far you’ve improved over the years, or any other sort of thing that helps reinforce that positivity.

It’s ok to be critical of yourself, but only in a positive and constructive manner.  Tearing yourself down or reminding yourself about what you don’t like about yourself will only help you slide back down that slope into your previous negative attitude.  Try looking at things from the other side for once.

Sharing is Caring

To put it simply, being nice to others and sharing your positivity with those around you is the best way to continue to help yourself down your road to positivity.  Tell a loved one how much you care about them.  Tell a co-worker how they’ve done a good job.  Show appreciation to those who’ve helped you, even if it’s the barrista who’s made your morning latte or the person who held open a door for you.

It’s not always an easy thing, that’s for sure.  But the more positive you are towards others, the more positive they’ll be to you.  And the more positive you’ll be towards yourself, which is the ultimate goal.  Strive to be encouraging and supportive of everyone around you, and you’ll amazed at how quickly it comes back to you.

Believe in yourself and remember that a positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.

fantastic

It’s My Blog-iversary!

fireworks-2
Standard

It can be amazing how quickly time can fly, and you don’t realise when you’ve hit certain milestones.

In my case, it wasn’t until I logged into WordPress today (14-Dec-2014) that I realised that it was my anniversary writing on this blog – 6 years ago today, I took the plunge and created this site on the recommendation of a work colleague, who used to have a cycling blog on here.

I’d originally created the site as a way to document my travels and settling into life in London, as I’d just moved here a few months prior (4-Sept-2008 to be exact).  And I thought this would be a great way to keep my friends and family back home up to date on how things were going, while also having a platform to showcase some of my writing.

At that time, I never for once considered that I’d keep it going this long, or that I’d write about the various topics I have over the years – love, sex, life-coaching articles, dating, depression, marriage equality, politics, film/book reviews, and probably a couple dozen other things.

It’s been quite the ride, and it’s allowed me to have a little voice in the vastness of the internet while meeting some amazing people over the years through comments and visits from other bloggers.

It’s also helped me work through personal issues over the years, as writing about my feelings can be very therapeutic, while hopefully being able to give a little bit of advise to others in the same/similar situations.

As well, it’s helped give me some confidence in my writing itself, even if I haven’t been doing it as much as I’d like to lately.  Just in the past year alone, I started two different books – a fantasy novel with a gay twist, and an e-book compiling some of the self-help articles I’ve posted here over the years (albeit, both of them are gathering virtual dust…).

In the end though, is my life where I want it to be?  Of course not.

I still don’t have much of a career, especially after the redundancy a couple years back.  I’m still single and overly obsessed with the lack of action (pardon the pun lol) in my dating life.  I’m still renting a room in someone else’s home, despite wanting a place of my own (too expensive in London..).

I could go on and on about where my life ISN’T right now, but that’s not why we’re here today.

Roller Coaster Great RideInstead, I want to celebrate where I am currently and how far I’ve come over the past 6 years.  Looking at the stats on here, over the past 6 years I’ve had just over 61,000 hits!!!  Talk about amazing! :D

Other than the stats, it’s more about how I’ve created this safe space for myself to tell my tales, talk through my woes, try to motivate myself (and hopefully others) to be a better ME, and generally have this one spot on the net that is solely mine.

And to have people like yourselves, who take the time to read what I write, leave comments and likes, and sometimes even give me advice or words of wisdom of your own.

bigbang-6th-anniversaryAnd I thank each and every one of you for every single comment, like, share, and so forth you’ve given me over the years.  At times it’s helped me continue writing when I thought about giving up and closing this site.

So.. what now?  Where will the next year (or 6) lead me and this site?  Who knows, but here’s hoping it’s a fun and exciting ride that we can take together.

Love, Mx

 

Are You Feeling SAD?

IMG_0281.JPG
Standard

Well, here we are again. It’s that time of year where the days are continually grey and there’s barely enough sunshine to make you realise it’s not night anymore.

Not that most of us see much of the sun these days. If your commute is anything like mine, then you’re probably already part way to work (if not already there) when the sun finally rises. And forget about leaving work when it’s still light out.

That’s right. It’s time for the Winter Blues, or more commonly known as SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

IMG_0283-0.GIF
When I was younger I thought SAD meant someone was just feeling a bit down. I was clueless and couldn’t understand why someone would feel sad in the wintertime.

But once I started to suffer from it myself, that perception changed. I would yearn for sunshine and the warmth of the sun on my skin, but couldn’t drag my ass out of my warm, comfy bed to enjoy it. I’d rather curl up on the sofa watching crap movies and eating takeaway than go out in the world and enjoy it.

Oh wait. That’s not just a winter thing. Maybe I’m just lazy. 😉

Regardless of how you deal with the bleak winter weather, anyone could suffer from SAD, even if you don’t realise you are.

So for some helpful hints on how to deal with it all, head over to Huffington Post (click HERE) to read their suggestions.

And remember – spring is only a few short months away. 😃

IMG_0282-0.JPG

Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company

Better-to-be-alone-fb-cover-photo
Standard

Let’s be honest.. sometimes it’s hard to meet truly good friends.  People who are willing to be there for you when you’re in need, no matter what is going on in their lives or yours.  People who will be open and honest with you, without judging you or making you feel like you’re bothering them.

And sometimes it’s hard to tell if that so-called friend truly is a friend to you, or if they’re just using you for their own agenda.

Personally, I’ve always had difficulty making friends and don’t have many truly good ones in my life.  Because of this, I’ve been too willing to allow those in my life that I shouldn’t just so I can feel like I have people in my life.  And I have an even harder time to realise when someone shouldn’t be my friend.

So maybe this list will help me (and you) become more aware of who my true friends are.

They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.

Sure, we all get busy at times.  But if it gets to the point where you feel like you’re begging your ‘friends’ to spend time with you, then they obviously aren’t interested in cultivating the relationship and you should move on.  Even if that seems like the hardest thing in the world.

If you find your ‘friend’ only calls on you when they’ve got nothing else going on, then they truly don’t respect your time or your worth as a friend.

They hold your past against you.

We all have pasts, and some of us have mistakes in our pasts we’d rather move on from to build a better future and learn from the past.  But if your ‘friend’ consistently brings up your past as a way to hold you back, then all they’re doing is trying to hold you back from moving forward in life.

This could be that they refuse to accept that you’ve changed from who you used to be, or that you’ve moved past your mistakes.  Or it could be that they’re afraid that if you move on with your life that you’ll leave them behind.  And perhaps that’s exactly what you should do.

Sassy-Gay-Friend-2You feel trapped.

There’s nothing worse than feeling pigeon-holed in a restricted environment because your ‘friend’ wants to keep you in a box where they’ll be able to always find you.

A truly healthy relationship that thrives is one that keeps the doors and windows wide open, to allow everyone to come and go as they please.  And to give you the choice to stay because that’s exactly where you want and need to be at that moment in time.

They discredit your dreams and abilities.

If you find your ‘friend’ is consistently trying to define your dreams and how you live your life for you, then you’re enabling them to hold you back from reaching for what you truly desire.  This could be in your career, living situation, love life, or any number of things.

A truly supportive friend will be there right beside you as you work towards your dreams, and will be willing to give honest, open, and constructive criticism where necessary.  Ultimately only you can achieve your dreams and need to work hard to reach them.  And a true friend will be cheering you on all the way home, not trying to get you to live a lie.

They have lied to you more than once.

gossipHow many times will you let someone lie to you before you realise their chronic behaviour is completely disrespectful of you and your relationship.  And the longer you allow them to lie to you and give them repeated chances to be trusted, the longer you’re lying to yourself about your friendship.

Honesty is the key to a healthy and loving relationship, be it between friends, family or lovers.  And if someone isn’t being honest to you, then they’re not worth being in your life.

Their negativity is rubbing off on you.

Everyone has a few people in their lives who are constantly negative about live and the world around them.  Everything going on in their lives is negative and regardless of what they’re talking about, it’s a projection of their own inner issues.  It could be a lack of self-confidence, a feeling of entitlement or abandonment, or any number of issues they have at the moment.

That’s not to say you need to avoid people who are going through a rough patch because you don’t want their negative attitude to rub off on you.  Those people need your support and love, and sometimes even a good kick in the ass to move forward.

A truly negative person is trying to drag you down to their level and make you feel sorry for them.  They’re attention-whores, so try to surround yourself with positive people and support those who truly need it.

They are excessively envious of what you have.

It’s okay to be a little bit envious of those around you, but when someone is excessively and consistently envious, then it’s a good chance they’re just trying to take what you already have.

In the end, someone who is regularly envious of those around them actually don’t like themselves, and sometimes could just need a bit of love and support.  But no amount of love can help them mend the broken pieces they carry around with them, only they can do that.

They motivate you to be judgemental or hateful.

Judgemental people will always miss out on meeting quality people because they can’t move past the outward reflection of what they think a person is like.  Those who will only hang out with people of a certain faith, race, size, shape, or sexuality and are hateful to those same people, are basically judgemental hypocrites.

Anyone who starts a sentence with ‘I’m not prejudiced but…’ is looking for an opening to be just that, prejudiced against whomever they’re targeting at that time.

Sometimes it’s hard to filter these people out, as the subtlety that they’ll be judgemental can be missed.  Especially when it’s masked as idle gossip.

They want you to be someone else.

Never ever let anyone try to change you from who you are into who they think you are or want you to be.  It’s your life, live it as you, not some fake version of yourself that someone else has put upon you.

The best thing to do is to surround yourself with those who love and respect you for you, not who they think you should be.  It’s better to lose someone in your life who doesn’t truly care about you as a person and replace them with someone worthy of your time, than it is to piece together who you used to be.

bad-friends-pic-3Inspiration for this post came from 9 Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company over on Marc and Angel Hack Life.

Going Through A Dry Spell

a-single-man
Standard

At some point in all of our dating lives, we’ll go through a dry spell of sorts.  It’s different for every person, and everyone has their own idea of what constitutes one or what length of time it encompasses.  For some it’s about when they last had an actual date, and for others it’s when they last had a shag.

For me at the moment, it’s been about 4 months since I’ve met anyone for any sort of sexual fun, and even longer since I met someone single and interested in going on a date or whatever.  A very very long time…

At the moment, I’m becoming increasingly frustrated at how I’m not meeting any single guys.  Or at least any single guys I find attractive that actually want to get to know me for something other than just sex.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m not even meeting any attractive guys for just sex these days.  And the few messages I do get online are usually from guys I find ugly or physically repulsive.  That may be a bit harsh, but it is kind of true.

A mate of mine seems to think that I’m just being too picky at the moment when it comes to guys.  But why should I sleep with someone I’m not attracted to just for the sake of having sex?  Isn’t that just being indiscriminatingly slutty?

I think the main issue I’m having at the moment is that I’m not all that interested in sex just for the sake of getting laid.  Sure, I definitely miss it (who wouldn’t lol), but at the moment I’m more interested in meeting someone interesting who might want to go on a few dates or could potentially lead to some kind of relationship.

Of course the problem with that is, when meeting guys on the apps or at the bars, they’re usually just out for a bit of fun.  And sadly quite a few of them are in open relationships, so there’s no hope of anything more than just sex.

I suppose I’m just looking for something a bit different than just a roll in the proverbial hay.  So what’s a guy like me to do?  Go out on dates with guys I’m not attracted to just for the sake of saying I had a date?  Go spend an afternoon or evening at the sauna just to get laid?

I honestly don’t know.  What I do know is what I’m doing currently really isn’t getting me anywhere, so I need to change something.  Change the approach to things, or perhaps the scenery.  Or who knows.

Although I know I shouldn’t think this way, I do wonder if there is something about me that puts guys off from wanting to date me, or if there is something I’m putting out there that says ‘use me for sex and that’s it’.

I’m probably over-simplifying it and definitely overthinking it, but it’s hard not to think that way.  When the only guys who hit on you are unattractive (to me), unavailable, or just plain partnered, it’s hard not to get somewhat jaded about the whole idea of dating or meeting someone special.

Especially after close to 20 years of this.  And the longer this continues, the harder I think it’ll be for me to open my heart up to someone, as I’ll automatically assume they’re only after sex.

At times I think that perhaps I need to give up the ghost (and hope) of ever finding someone special.  That may seem defeatist and definitely negative, but that may be a more realistic approach to things.

And that would definitely suck, as I’m totally a romantic at heart and feel I have a lot of love to give.  I just wish I could find someone who’d be a willing recipient of it, while returning it in kind.

Because let’s be honest – as amazing as the love from dear friends and family is, platonic love can only take you so far.

single-gay-male

6 Bad Signs You’re In A Good Relationship

IMG_0277.JPG
Standard

It saddens and slightly sickens me how some people will always look for the negative in whatever positive things are occurring.

Point in fact is this article: 6 Bad Signs You’re in a Good Relationship

Although I think the author meant it all in a somewhat slightly humorous way, for me it came across a bit ‘wasn’t life more fun when you were single’. That being in a happy, healthy relationship is just plain boring.

I could just be reading too much into the article (it is a bit fluffy lol), but I’m more inclined to point out how the media and our own community seems to want to pigeonhole us all into a specific stereotype – sex-crazed, overly groomed, partying social butterflies.

Hell. Sometimes I WISH my life was as fun and interesting as they all make it sound like it should be. Lol

But I think it’s more the generalisations that, once in a happy stable relationship, that we’ll all become smelly, chubbier, ungroomed, lazy versions of who we ‘really’ are.

Personally, I think that’s a load of bollocks.

That’s like saying the ‘single’ version of ourselves is the real us and the ‘partnered’ version is fake.. Or vice versa if you’re looking at it the other way.

Sure, once in a good relationship most guys will put their partying days behind them and settle into coupledom. But that doesn’t mean they’ll become boring.

If anything it’ll give them more time for things that interest them (and presumably their partner) instead of spending most of their free time looking for sex/dates/boyfriends.

But then again, maybe that’s just my skewed view of what it’s like to be in a relationship…

sunset men

Kiss My Patella

IMG_0276-1.JPG
Standard

As mentioned in recent posts, I’ve been struggling with ongoing knee pain (the patella, which is the kneecap), which has made life extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Basically what the doctors seem to think I suffer from is patellofemoral pain, which is pain in, around and behind the kneecap.  Most of the time when the pain flares up, it can feel like the kneecap itself is grinding or grating against another bone along with a bit of swelling around the knee itself.

Put it this way – it ain’t a fun feeling to have, especially when it makes it extremely difficult to do pretty much any day-to-day thing, like walking, going up/down stairs, sleeping (can’t get the leg in a comfortable, non-pain inducing position), and sometimes even sitting.

Luckily (I think) this has been the worse flare up I’ve ever had. Usually it only lasts a couple days then it’s back to normal.

Unfortunately, it’s been ongoing for about a month now, some days better than others, with only mild pain over the past week or so. It’s so mild at the moment that I’ve stopped the pain/anti-inflammatory medication and cream.

Today though could be a turning point of sorts – I finally had the MRI scan the doctor recommended (agonisingly sad how long you have to wait for an appointment).

This was the first time I’d ever had such a scan, so I was understandably nervous about it. Even after reading up about them and knowing there was nothing to be afraid of really.

Luckily when they put me into the machine my head was sticking out. I’m not claustrophobic but the idea of being inside the machine completely didn’t seem pleasant.

What I did find interesting is how I was trying so hard to not move at all, the technician admonished me after the first set of scans for moving too much… I hadn’t moved a muscle!!

Guess it goes to show how much we fidget when we don’t think we are. Or maybe they’re overly picky and expect people to be like a statue. Lol

Anyway now I get to wait up to 2 weeks for the results and hopefully find out what’s actually causing the pain. And whether they’ll recommend a course of action other than simply losing weight/eating right/exercising.

Cause we all know that’s always a doctor’s first recommendation, regardless of the problem.. Even if it might be partially true. 😉

For more information about Patellofemoral pain, click the link here –>> Patellofemoral pain

‘If Only I Were Single..’

IMG_0274.JPG
Standard

‘If only I were single, I would so date you!’

That’s a phrase I’ve heard way too many times to count over the years. Partnered guys who are (sometimes) very lovely and sexy, who’re playing around on their boyfriends (openly, presumably), who seem to think that little phrase will make me feel good about myself or that it’ll keep me interested to see if it ever comes to fruition.

Well it doesn’t.

If fact, the few times these partnered guys have become suddenly single down the line (why leave if you get a free pass to screw around?), not one of them called me up to ask me out on a date or whatever. Instead I usually only found out after they started dating someone new.

Why? Because by then I’d been ‘friend-zoned’. Meaning they ‘valued’ my friendship too much to risk losing it. That means, at least to me, that their feelings or attraction to me somehow changed over time to the point that they no longer saw me as dating material.

To say it sucks is a massive understatement.

I remember this one guy I was sleeping with fairly regularly a few years back who used to place ‘if I were single’ game after sex. He kept describing what-ifs scenarios, wanting me to respond.

All it did was piss me off, as it felt like he was playing mind-games. Like he was trying to emotionally ensnare me so that I’d get attached.. which would have meant my getting hurt when he stayed with his husband, as I’m sure he never had any plans of leaving him. Regardless of how love-less he said the relationship was.

And when the relationship did finally end? Not only did he not tell me, but I only found out via Facebook or some other social media app. And no, he never once asked me out (we’d stopped sleeping together by then) before jumping in a new relationship.

Of course then there’s this one guy from years ago who never once mentioned in the three or four months we were playing around that he had a boyfriend at home.. When talking to me, he’d always mention him as his ‘flatmate’.

I only found out when I was invited overnight to his house for Boxing Day dinner.. And I had to sleep in the ‘flatmate’s room’ which was clearly a storage/spare bedroom, while the ‘flatmate’ slept in his bed like he normally did every night.

When I confronted him about this years later (I’d stopped talking to him after that fiasco), all he did was brush it off. Like I was making a bigger deal about it than it was.

Anyway, whatever. Getting involved with a partnered guy is just asking for trouble. They all say the right things at the time, and maybe even mean it too. Or at least act like they do.

But in the end they’ll always do what’s best for them, not you.

I’ve obviously stopped myself (once again) from even considering playing with partnered guys after realising a few months back that I was falling into the same patterns I always do.

The problem is – when I reject the advances of those partnered guys, it doesn’t leave much behind. In fact, it leaves the gay dating/hookup apps scarily quiet with little to no activity at all.

What’s a single, lonely, horny guy to do??

And people wonder why I’m a wee bit bitter about gay men these days. 😉

IMG_0242.JPG

Unlucky In Love

gya couple love
Standard

Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for awhile knows how I’ve never been lucky in love.  How, at 41 and after almost 20 years of being out, I’m still waiting for that first boyfriend/relationship to come into my life.

This is a subject I’ve thought about, written about and over-analysed so many times I think I’ve done it to death.  LOL

When it comes to guys, I’m finding these days that I tend to meet 3 types of guys:

  1. Single guys with a mutual attraction, but they are always too busy to meet up for something as simple as a coffee or a drink.
  2. Singles guys I’m not physically attracted to, but whom are constantly after me to meet up (usually for sex).
  3. Partnered guys I’m physically attracted to and who want to meet me (usually for sex or friends with benefits), but are obviously emotionally unavailable from a dating point of view.

finger kissI’m finding it extremely difficult to think of a single guy I’ve met in the past year who was as interested in getting to know me as I was them, and was actively looking to spend time together.

Isn’t that sad?

I’m not necessarily having a moan about this (okay, maybe just a little), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m sabotaging myself in the romance department.  That despite wanting to find actual dates and eventually a boyfriend/partner, that maybe I’m missing out on something else by accepting the advances of guys in section 2 or 3 just for the sake of feeling like someone finds me attractive.

I have no idea why I would do that, but it could be a self-confidence issue, where perhaps deep-down I don’t feel I deserve a boyfriend or love in my life.

Pretty deep huh?  Of course all that could just be my own insecurities playing with my head.

I’ve tried to talk about all this with friends repeatedly over the years, but I usually just get the same old story – that I just need to relax, have some fun, and then something will come along when I least expect it.

The problem I have with that advice is I’ve been trying to do that for close to 20 years now, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I wish I could just stop caring about finding something more meaningful than a shag and just get on with living life, but that’s easier said than done.

Man being comfortedOf course, some of these friends can’t really relate to what I’m going through despite what they say.  A lot of them are either already partnered (many in open relationships) or they’ve been through many long term relationships (good or bad) in the past.

But what I find interesting is how many of them try to scare me off relationships.  They keep telling me how hard and horrible some relationships can be, and try to paint a negative picture of what it’s like to be in a relationship.  They’re basically trying to convince me how being single is so much better and fun.

Of course some of those same guys seem to find more extra-curricular ‘fun’ in a month than I do in a year or two.. And then still get to go home to curl up with their hubby afterwards.  Yeah, right.

Perhaps I’m over-dramatising it all.  Or perhaps I’m just one of those unlucky souls who aren’t meant to find someone special.  As much as the media and society keeps telling us that there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps that’s actually a lie and some people are meant to be alone, regardless of how they feel.

I do find it somewhat interesting (and very annoying) how everyone makes it seem so easy to just stop caring or worrying about all this.  That it should be as simple as flicking a switch and turning off how I feel.

Soul needsIt’s not.  I really wish it was.

I do wonder where my life might have ended up if I hadn’t spent so much time over the years obsessing about my love life (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I would have expended that energy on other things, like writing, finding a career, travelling more, making more good friends, or any number of things I would love to have in my life.

Ultimately all I want out of life is to be happy.   Happy with my life and where it’s headed.  Obviously I know a boyfriend won’t make that happen or solve any problems…

..But it sure as hell can’t hurt. ;-)