I don’t know what’s been up with me lately. I’ve been very inconsistent with my writing lately and haven’t written anything at all in the past week. And despite it bugging me, I haven’t been bothered.
No posts on my blog in the past week despite several ideas. Nothing written on the novel I started a few weeks back or even on the erotic short stories I started even farther back than that.
It’s not like I’ve been super busy or anything. Other than meeting a mate for dinner a couple times this past week, I’ve barely been out of the house for anything other than picking up groceries or going to work.
Ok, who am I kidding.. I spent too much of my free time kicking around the house. I’m quickly becoming a hermit.
I’m not sure what it is, but once I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is to head back out again. I’m comfortable at home, I don’t have to interact with people (yes, I’m anti-social), and I’m generally relaxed .. when I’m not getting myself wound up about having no social or love life.
Yes, I know (before anyone brings it up or mentions my previous post). In order to have more of a social life I have to BE social. I’m working on it, slowly. I’ll get there eventually. Don’t push me too much. ;-)
I don’t know. I think maybe the reason I’ve been feeling so meh lately is how it seems things are just standing still, despite efforts to move them along. And for once it has nothing to do with my (lack of a) social or love life.
For instance, I applied for a different position at work a month ago (not a promotion, more of a move sideways) and I’m still waiting to hear back. I haven’t even had an actual interview despite others getting one, but I did sit down with the hiring manager at one point to talk about the position and whether my application would be considered – I have a mark against me due to my absences in the past 6 months (not going into details obviously) and company policy states that would prevent me from being offered the role, regardless of my ability.
At the same time, I was contacted from an employment agency about a position with a charity-type company near London Bridge that sounded amazing .. and payed a LOT more than my current company for basically the same role. It all sounded like things were potentially going well with that, until this past Friday when the agency let me know the company had someone internally already doing the role, so would wait and see if that works out first.
And of course, as anyone who read my previous post What Do I Write About, I’d submitted some article ideas to a large UK Gay magazine.. and now 2 to 3 weeks and several emails later, I’m still waiting to hear back whether they liked my ideas and wanted me to write something up. I’m hoping that maybe it’s a bad time and they’ll get back to me soon, but I would have hoped to at least gotten an acknowledgement response of some sort by now.
I’m not particularly feeling down at the moment, but more a bit frustrated that nothing’s happening. I know, I know – I have to be patient, these things can’t be rushed or forced. If it’s meant to be, then it’ll happen and all that.
I’m not so naive that I think something will just drop in my lap. I know I have to work hard to get where I want to be, I’m just tired – it feels like all I’ve done over the past year or two is push towards what I want out of life, only to keep coming up against a brick wall.
(Anyone who was reading my blog during my year-long unemployment will know what I’m talking about…)
I do find it interesting though.. While recently talking to a couple of mates (separately) about trying to find something better work-wise, both of them inferred the same thing – that I should be happy I have a job now, and to to remember how I felt when I wasn’t working.
As if wanting to move forward in life, either back to where I was position/career-wise before the unemployment or to somewhere new and better, that it was me being selfish somehow. Like I should just be happy with what I got instead of wanting or looking for something more.
I tried not to take it in a negative way, but I couldn’t help think that was crap advice. Or maybe I read too much into it.
Life is hard, and crap, and sometimes unfair. It’s just a matter of keeping going until I get where I want to be.
And I’m definitely not there. Yet.