Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for awhile knows how I’ve never been lucky in love. How, at 41 and after almost 20 years of being out, I’m still waiting for that first boyfriend/relationship to come into my life.
This is a subject I’ve thought about, written about and over-analysed so many times I think I’ve done it to death. LOL
When it comes to guys, I’m finding these days that I tend to meet 3 types of guys:
- Single guys with a mutual attraction, but they are always too busy to meet up for something as simple as a coffee or a drink.
- Singles guys I’m not physically attracted to, but whom are constantly after me to meet up (usually for sex).
- Partnered guys I’m physically attracted to and who want to meet me (usually for sex or friends with benefits), but are obviously emotionally unavailable from a dating point of view.
I’m finding it extremely difficult to think of a single guy I’ve met in the past year who was as interested in getting to know me as I was them, and was actively looking to spend time together.
Isn’t that sad?
I’m not necessarily having a moan about this (okay, maybe just a little), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m sabotaging myself in the romance department. That despite wanting to find actual dates and eventually a boyfriend/partner, that maybe I’m missing out on something else by accepting the advances of guys in section 2 or 3 just for the sake of feeling like someone finds me attractive.
I have no idea why I would do that, but it could be a self-confidence issue, where perhaps deep-down I don’t feel I deserve a boyfriend or love in my life.
Pretty deep huh? Of course all that could just be my own insecurities playing with my head.
I’ve tried to talk about all this with friends repeatedly over the years, but I usually just get the same old story – that I just need to relax, have some fun, and then something will come along when I least expect it.
The problem I have with that advice is I’ve been trying to do that for close to 20 years now, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I wish I could just stop caring about finding something more meaningful than a shag and just get on with living life, but that’s easier said than done.
Of course, some of these friends can’t really relate to what I’m going through despite what they say. A lot of them are either already partnered (many in open relationships) or they’ve been through many long term relationships (good or bad) in the past.
But what I find interesting is how many of them try to scare me off relationships. They keep telling me how hard and horrible some relationships can be, and try to paint a negative picture of what it’s like to be in a relationship. They’re basically trying to convince me how being single is so much better and fun.
Of course some of those same guys seem to find more extra-curricular ‘fun’ in a month than I do in a year or two.. And then still get to go home to curl up with their hubby afterwards. Yeah, right.
Perhaps I’m over-dramatising it all. Or perhaps I’m just one of those unlucky souls who aren’t meant to find someone special. As much as the media and society keeps telling us that there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps that’s actually a lie and some people are meant to be alone, regardless of how they feel.
I do find it somewhat interesting (and very annoying) how everyone makes it seem so easy to just stop caring or worrying about all this. That it should be as simple as flicking a switch and turning off how I feel.
It’s not. I really wish it was.
I do wonder where my life might have ended up if I hadn’t spent so much time over the years obsessing about my love life (or lack thereof). Perhaps I would have expended that energy on other things, like writing, finding a career, travelling more, making more good friends, or any number of things I would love to have in my life.
Ultimately all I want out of life is to be happy. Happy with my life and where it’s headed. Obviously I know a boyfriend won’t make that happen or solve any problems…
..But it sure as hell can’t hurt. ;-)